


High Enough

by HeartofGlassMindofStone



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Drug Use, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Family, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Bellamy Blake, Protective John Murphy (The 100) - Character, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:21:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27156526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeartofGlassMindofStone/pseuds/HeartofGlassMindofStone
Summary: A revision of season 5 and on. Spacekru comes back to earth, but things play out much differently.“Bellamy?” The little girl called out.He froze at that. How did she know his name?“Clarke knew you would come!” She ran to him excitedly.Everyone’s eyes shot to him, but he couldn’t feel their gaze. Right now he wasn’t sure he could feel anything other than pure shock.He opened his mouth to speak, but had to focus on getting his voice to work. His mind only held one question, one thought in that moment. He was afraid to ask it, but he had to. “Clarke’s alive?”
Relationships: Bellamy Blake & Clarke Griffin, Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Comments: 75
Kudos: 245





	1. Home

**Author's Note:**

> Are people still reading Bellarke fics? I hope so. The whole last season really discouraged me and I stopped writing for a bit. But I’m not giving in to that anymore. So this is my reinvention of sorts. I’ve decided to not let season 7 ruin what could’ve been absolutely beautiful.
> 
> I don’t have this whole fic finished. Not even close. But I really just wanted to start posting to bring myself, and hopefully you guys a little bit of joy.

2,199 days.

That’s how many days ago he’d left Clarke to die. It was also how many days he’d missed her. How many days he’d mourned her. Wished he could’ve taken her place. Hated himself for not staying to die with her.

6 years on this piece of metal hadn’t done much good for his mental well-being.

Sure, he loved the people he was with. They were his family, especially now. But god, he’d give anything to have Clarke here.

He’d been trying to swallow down those thoughts all morning. This was their chance to finally go back to earth. To get their feet back on solid ground. And while he was excited about the aspect of seeing his sister, he was sick to his stomach because he knew he wouldn’t find Clarke there and his chest tightened at the thought of being on the ground without her.

Swallowing down thoughts of her wasn’t working. He walked the ring and not for the first time in these 6 years, he found himself outside of her old prison cell. He hadn’t meant to come here. Not this time anyway. It was just where his feet led him. His hand was shaky as he opened the door, but he took a deep breath and walked inside.

No matter how many times he came in here, the emotions always seemed to hit him full force. The emptiness was somehow filled with her, making it not empty at all. Her drawings covered the walls, the floors, _everything_. And it was just so Clarke that it physically hurt him.

If he focused hard enough, he swore he could still smell her. He could still hear her laugh. The one that he never heard enough of and now would never get to.

That reality hit him, not for the first time, and his knees grew weak. He let himself sink to the ground, his back pushed against the wall and pulled his knees to his chest, trying but failing to stop the sob that came from deep in his throat. He buried his face in his hands and just let himself cry. There was nothing else he could do.

“God, Clarke, I’m sorry.” He cried softly. “I’m so sorry.”

He heard the cell door creak open and he knew it was Echo. Somehow, she’d become the one to ‘help’ him through this. If he _could_ even be helped. Her presence was somewhat comforting most of the time, but he couldn’t stop himself from wishing, _imagining_ that she was Clarke.

That was fucked up, he knew. And it certainly wasn’t fair to Echo. But it was the only thing that calmed him down sometimes and he couldn’t seem to help it. Plus, Echo knew what she getting into. She welcomed it even. Maybe it was her own way of moving on from what happened with Roan. Though he’d never asked and honestly never cared to.

Echo silently slid on the floor next to him, wrapping her arm around him and pulling him towards her. He almost resisted, his body tensing up. In that moment, the only thing he wanted, the only thing that could help, was Clarke. But that was the one thing he could never have.

Maybe it was the one thing that he’d never deserved. But he’d give anything to go back and trade places with her, to give his life for hers.

After a moment, he let his head fall into Echo, accepting the only comfort he was going to get. She didn’t say a word, and he was grateful for that. Because silence made it easier to pretend.

After a while, his tears dried up and he lifted his head, wiping away the evidence of pain on his face. He sniffed, trying to pull himself together.

He could feel Echo gearing up to say something and he knew he wouldn’t want to hear it. He sniffed one last time and broke away from her hold, rising to his feet.

“Bellamy...” Echo sighed, looking up at him from where she was sitting. “She wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself.”

He closed his eyes and willed himself not to snap at her. She really didn’t deserve it. But he always found himself hating when she talked about Clarke.

Besides, she was right. Clarke wouldn’t want this for him. He took a deep breath and tried to pull himself together.

“I don’t really wanna talk about what Clarke would’ve wanted.” He said as calmly as he could. And he didn’t, because thinking about what Clarke would’ve wanted hurt.

“Whether you want to or not, Bellamy, you know it’s true.” She pushed.

He wanted to tell her that she didn’t know Clarke. _He_ did. And even if he didn’t want to think about it, he knew exactly what Clarke would’ve wanted. He didn’t need _her_ to tell him. There were so many things that he wanted to say, but he held back, because again, they weren’t fair to Echo. She shouldn’t have to hear words that would just hurt her. So in the end, he just took a deep breath and helped her up off the ground.

“Come on.” She put a hand on his cheek and tried to smile. “Let’s go home.”

_Home_. It would never really feel like home without Clarke. That was one thing he was sure of. So without a word, he nodded again and followed her out of Clarke’s cell for last time, trying to keep his heart from breaking completely.

When they reached the others, they all looked at him. He knew he looked like a complete wreck. He felt like it too. And he was sure they knew where he’d been, but thankfully none of them said anything out loud.

“Alright guys, this is it.” Raven said nervously. “We’ll get to the other ship and see if we can radio down. If the ship is empty, we’ll take a pod home.”

There was that word again. _Home_.

His chest tightened and his breaths came quicker. He backed up a few steps, staggering a little.

Murphy glanced in his direction and discreetly stepped towards him as the others continued to talk about the plan.

“Hey, you good?” Murphy asked quietly.

“No.” Bellamy answered through closed eyes.

Murphy made a face and sighed. “I know you don’t wanna go down there without her.”

“Murphy-“ Bellamy started as a warning, eyes still closed tightly.

“You can’t fool me, man. I know that’s the only reason you’re hesitating about this.” Murphy continued. “You don’t want to put your feet on the ground, knowing that she’s not going to be by your side.”

He pushed down tears again and tried to push down the ache. “It’s not home without her.” He admitted.

“I know.” Murphy said. “But she died so we could live.”

His heart constricted at those words. Those words were one of the only things that had kept him alive all these years. Knowing that he couldn’t let her efforts be for nothing and that she would want him to stay alive... That may be the only reason he was still here.

“So that’s what we’re going to do... okay?” Murphy urged him.

He swallowed hard and managed a nod. “Okay.”

“Octavia is down there, right?” Murphy clapped his shoulder. “Just focus on that.”

That was one of the other things that had kept him alive. He’d felt like he only had two people to live for and one was gone. So Murphy was right too. Focus on Octavia.

He took another deep breath. “Alright. I’m ready.”

Ready as he ever would be, anyway.

•

They’d almost died. They’d been off the ring for a total of 15 minutes and already almost died.

“So much for this ship being friendly.” Bellamy snapped after they killed the men trying to kill them.

“A fucking prisoner transport ship.” Murphy cursed. “Of course that’s the only thing that crosses our paths in 6 fucking years.”

“Calm down, John. We’re all fine.” Emori rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, if you considered being attacked and almost choked to death by a prisoner the size of fucking Goliath fine.” He snapped back. “Plus, you heard the radio, they’ve got one of our people. What the hell are we supposed to do?”

“I can rig this.” Raven said, focused on the computer screens in front of her. “The pods. I can stop them from waking anyone else up.”

“Can you use it to stop their oxygen?” Bellamy asked.

Raven paused, mouth open. “I- I mean, yeah. But, Bellamy-“

“Set it up.” Bellamy cut her off firmly. “Can you control it from the ground?”

Raven looked to Monty and he hesitated.

_“Can you do it?”_ Bellamy asked louder, losing his patience a little.

“Yes.” Monty said quietly, stepping up for Raven. “We just need a little time to rig it so we can control it from there.” Monty paused. “But are we sure that’s what we wanna do?”

“Do it.” Bellamy said steadily.

“We’re talking about 283 people here, Bellamy.” Echo said.

“You don’t think I know that?” He asked.

“Think about what you’re doing.” She continued. “We can’t just kill 283 people.”

_“What,_ all of the sudden you have a problem with killing?” He asked harshly and immediately regretted it.

Echo paused, staying silent and he sighed.

“I’m sorry. Just- we have to go down with some sort of leverage. They’ve got one of our people and we don’t know what’s going on down there.” He tried to explain to everyone. “I’m not risking the lives of our people if I don’t have to.”

He wasn’t letting anyone else die.

His heart clenched, wishing Clarke was here to help him with this. She’d understand what he was doing.

“Give us 30 minutes.” Raven said, seeing the look on his face. “Emori, can you make sure the pod is ready to launch?”

“On it.” Emori said, already walking towards it.

“I’ll help you.” Echo said, turning away.

Bellamy was glad she did. He didn’t want to face her right now. Not when the only thing he needed was for Clarke to be next to him. Helping make decisions that the others may not understand or agree with.

“You gotta chill, man.” Murphy told him quietly.

“I can’t.” Bellamy admitted. “Everything’s wrong.” He mumbled more to himself than anything.

Murphy let out a sigh, knowing there wasn’t anything he could do to help and just watched Bellamy pace for the remainder of the 30 minutes.

“I’ve got it!” Raven finally shouted. She was holding what looked like a tablet from the ark with a touch screen. “I can control it all from this... it’s time to go to the ground.”

He was glad she didn’t say home this time. He didn’t think he could hear that word one more time without exploding.

They all climbed in the pod one by one and his hands shook as they buckled his seatbelt, strapping in. This was it. 6 years had led up to this and he couldn’t help but be terrified of what he’d find.

He closed his eyes and let himself only briefly imagine that Clarke was sitting next to him, before ripping himself away from the dream, back to reality.

_Reality sucked_.

As the pod rumbled to life, he steadied himself.

It was time to push his emotions down. It was time to help his people. It’s what Clarke would do and he was going to make her proud.

He had to.


	2. She Is

Bellamy still had his eyes closed when he heard Emori’s laugh of relief. “We made it! We’re here!”

Raven’s laughter followed, then Monty’s.

Slowly, Bellamy opened his eyes. Echo reached over and squeezed his hand. He felt a pang in his chest and couldn’t make himself look over at her. This didn’t feel right. _No_ , this _wasn't_ right.

Echo let his hand go seemingly unfazed by his distress and unbuckled, moving to look out the small window. “Grass.” She whispered in awe. “We hit the green.”

“Thank god.” Harper let out a relieved breath.

Raven moved to open the door, but Bellamy stopped her. “Wait!”

Her eyes snapped to his in question.

“What if-“ he swallowed thickly, a memory of Clarke hitting him hard. “What if the air’s still toxic?”

Murphy was the first one who caught onto it. He grabbed Bellamy’s arm and looked at him sadly. “Then we’re all dead anyway... right?”

Harper and Monty looked down sadly then, remembering the day they’d first landed on earth. Remembering _Clarke_.

“It’s our only choice.” Echo said simply, not knowing the memory behind the words that had just been said.

Bellamy looked at Murphy once more and swallowed before nodding to Raven.

She took one last deep breath and opened the door, smiling as the cool air hit her face.

Echo and Emori were hot on her heels, eager to put their feet on solid ground. Monty followed more tentatively, then Harper.

Finally it was just Murphy and Bellamy.

Murphy looked at him and nodded towards the door. “It’s time to live, man.”

Bellamy found himself, not for the first time, wanting to tell Murphy that he didn’t _want_ to live if it meant that he had to be without Clarke. He couldn’t say that though, so he nodded and came into place behind Murphy. “Lets go.”

No sooner had Bellamy’s feet hit the ground, they were surrounded by armed men.

“Fuck me.” Murphy muttered, rolling his eyes. “We literally just got here.”

“We don’t want to fight.” Bellamy said calmly, taking a step towards the front of the group. “We just wanna talk.”

“Stay where you are!” One of the men yelled, then grabbed his radio. “Colonel, we have six more hostiles.”

“Stand by.” A female voice came through the other end, followed by a string of silence. “Bring me one... kill the rest.”

“Congratulations.” The man said. “One of you get to liv-“ his words were cut off as a gunshot rang through the air and the man fell forward, hitting the ground.

Before any of them could process what was happening, 6 more gunshots fired off and the men fell one by one.

Before they had time to be relieved, the groups eyes landed on a small figure, coming out from the woods. Echo grabbed her sword, ready to fight, but Bellamy pushed her back.

“Wait! She’s just a kid.”

“Bellamy?” The little girl called out.

He froze at that. How did she know his name?

“Clarke knew you would come!” She ran to him excitedly.

Everyone’s eyes shot to him, but he couldn’t feel their gaze. Right now he wasn’t sure he could feel anything other than pure shock.

He opened his mouth to speak, but he had to focus on getting his voice to work. His mind only held one question, _one thought_ in that moment. He was afraid to ask it, but he had to. “Clarke’s alive?”

“She’s in trouble.” The little girl said quickly. “These people, they took her. I know where they’re keeping her. But we have to hurry. I think they’re hurting her.” She spoke a million miles a minute.

“Wait, what about the others? The bunker?” Monty asked.

_Right_ , Bellamy thought. _The bunker_.

“They’re still in there. We couldn’t get them out.” The little girl said sadly.

“What? No, that’s not possible.” Bellamy rasped. He wasn’t sure if he was talking about the bunker still being closed or Clarke still being alive. Maybe it was both.

“The tower fell and we haven’t been able to dig them out. Clarke said that when you came down, Raven could get them-“

“Where’s Clarke?” Bellamy cut her off. The others were in the bunker and presumably safe, but Clarke...

“Follow me.” She grabbed his hand and pulled into the woods, the rest of them following.

“Bellamy, hold on.” Echo stopped him. “How do we know this isn’t some trick? We can’t just follow her blindly.”

“She’s just a kid. How would she know Clarke’s name if she wasn’t telling the truth?” Bellamy argued. “This isn’t a question. I’m going.”

Echo wanted to argue. He shouldn’t be believing this stranger so easily, child or not, but she knew there was no point. He wouldn’t listen. As soon as he heard Clarke’s name, his mind was only going to focus on one thing.

They ran until they reached the Rover and the little girl opened the back, signifying them all to get in.

“The Rover.” Raven said with a disbelieving smile. “It lived.”

“Clarke had to dig it out of a sand storm after Praimfaya.” She said. “It was really broken, but she fixed it.”

Bellamy’s brain couldn’t comprehend what was happening. She’d been down here for 6 years. _Alone_. What had she had to do to survive?

“It’s not smart for all of us to go.” Harpers voice broke his thoughts. “We have to be careful.”

“We can stay behind.” Monty said.

“There’s a cave behind us, covered by trees about 50 yards back.” The girl said. “You’ll be safe there.”

“All of you stay here.” Bellamy managed to say. “I’ll go.”

“I’m coming with you.” Murphy said.

“I am too.” Echo said, climbing into the Rover before he could protest.

Bellamy sighed and Raven walked up to him, placing the coffee mug she pulled from their ship into his hands. “To prove we were the ones on their ship.”

Bellamy nodded and turned, but Raven pulled his arm back.

“Bellamy.” She called.

He looked at her to see her eyes swimming with different emotions.

“Bring her back.” She said shakily.

But Raven should’ve known she didn’t have to tell him that. He wasn’t coming back without her. He nodded once more and climbed into the passenger seat, while the girl climbed into the drivers.

“Hey, hobbit.” Murphy leaned forward. “You know how to drive this thing, right?”

“Clarke taught me.” She said, putting it into gear. “And she said that Bellamy taught her, so I’m pretty good.” She said confidently.

Bellamy closed his eyes at the memory. He’d done that a lot today. But he could picture that day so clearly. They’d driven the Rover to an open field and he’d insisted she learned how to drive it. The same way he’d convinced her to let him teach her how to shoot. Her life could depend on it. They had the windows down and the day had been warm. It was one of the few days that he’d seen her allow herself to relax. And it had been one of his best days on the ground. Probably _the_ best.

They’d stayed out all afternoon and through the night, forgetting about the pending end of the world and just enjoyed each other. When she’d had enough driving they swam, then sat on a rock by the river and she closed her eyes, taking in the sun. She’d told him stories about her dad and he’d shared stories about his mom. They both laughed easier that day. He never thought he’d hear that laugh again and now-

“I’m Madi.” The girls voice pulled him from the memory. “Clarke found me after Praimfaya.”

“You- you’re a nightblood?” He asked, but of course she was. How else would she have survived?

Madi simply nodded. “She took care of me. She’s kinda like my mom.”

Bellamy could see her try to gain control of her emotions. And she did a good job. Probably better than he was doing.

“These people came down and she told me to hide and I did. But now they have her and they’re hurting her, but I- I don’t know what they want.” She rambled on, trying to hide the tremble in her voice.

“Hey, it’s okay, Madi.” He said as softly as his voice would let him. “I’ll get her back. I promise you.”

“If ever there were truer words.” Murphy said, earning a glare from Echo.

He raised his hands but defended himself. “Hey, we’ve been back on the ground for what, 5 minutes? And we’re already following some 8 year old around, letting her drive us through the woods to what could possibly be our death because she said Clarke’s name.” He raised his eyebrows then. “It’s not like I’m wrong.”

Bellamy ignored his comments all together, focusing instead on Madi. “Do you know what kind of weapons they have, Madi?” He asked her.

She shook her head. “They have guns, but they have a bunch of big machines too.” Madi said. “I don’t know what they do. But she wouldn’t want you to get hurt.”

“They’re miners.” Murphy said in realization. “Hey kid, you said that the bunker is buried?”

She nodded in response.

“That’s it!” Murphy pushed Bellamy’s shoulder. “Bellamy, that’s what the machines are. They can help us dig them out.”

Bellamy processed that information carefully. “They give us Clarke back and help us get the rest of our people out, and we don’t kill 283 of their people.”

“Sounds like a fair trade to me.” Murphy shrugged calmly.

“We’re almost there.” Madi warned them.

Bellamy shook his head. He had to get it together. “Madi, I need you to listen to me.”

Her eyes glanced to him, showing him that he had her attention.

“You stay in the Rover and you stay down.” He told her firmly, but gently. “Do not get out no matter what and if I tell you to drive, I want you to get out of here as fast as you can.”

“But what if-“

“There are no what ifs, Madi.” He told her. He hadn’t felt his protectiveness flare like this in 6 years, but here it was, coming back full force. “I will keep Clarke safe, I promise you. But that means you have to keep yourself safe. If I say drive, I mean _drive_.”

She bit her lip, but nodded in agreement.

Madi gasped and Bellamy followed her gaze out the windshield.

“Shit.” Murphy cursed. “Kid, give me the gun.” He reached for it without waiting for her to respond.

Bellamy couldn’t breathe. It was Clarke.

The headlights illuminated her and even from a distance he could see black blood covering her. And that only meant one thing. It was hers. There was something latched around her neck and she shook violently on the ground before collapsing completely and Bellamy’s heart felt like it stopped.

Echo pulled her sword and Bellamy grabbed the coffee mug, busting out of the Rover before Madi had even come to a full stop.

“Duck down, kid.” Murphy reminded her, climbing to the front seat.

“I’m unarmed!” Bellamy shouted at them. “I just want to talk.”

“Yeah, because that worked so well last time.” Murphy muttered in the Rover.

“So talk.” The woman ordered. “And give me one reason not to kill you where you stand.”

“How ‘bout I give you 283?” He said, surprisingly steady. “That’s how many of your people are gonna die if you and I can’t make a deal.” He held up the mug, letting the woman see it and walked closer.

“That’s far enough.” She said.

Clarke made a weak noise of pain from the ground and it took everything in him not to run to her. The man with what looked like the control to whatever was around her neck raised it and Bellamy heard Murphy cock the gun behind him, standing with the Rovers door as a shield.

“You hit her with that one more time and he’ll blow your fucking head off.” Bellamy said darkly.

The woman held her hand up, stopping the man. “283 lives for one... She must be pretty important to you.”

“She is.” No point in trying to hide it, he figured.

“Well, your girlfriend here hasn’t exactly been honest with us. You expect me to just let her go after she lied to us and killed my men? And I can only assume you did the same?”

“She didn’t know we were here.” He said slowly. “We came from space. She had no idea we were coming down. She didn’t lie about that.”

The woman seemed to ponder that for a moment.

“How else do you think we got this.” He waved the mug. “How do you think we have the ability to kill the rest of your people?”

“And what are the terms of this deal?” She asked.

His eyes kept shooting to Clarke, seemingly unconscious, bleeding on the ground. “I take her. And you help us dig out a bunker that was closed 6 years ago.”

“The one that saved the human race from _Praimfaya_?” The woman asked like she didn’t believe it.

“That’s the one.” He confirmed.

She huffed a little in response. “And then what?” 

“Then we share the valley.” He continued. “It’s big enough for all of us. We can teach you how the earth works now. We have farmers, doctors, scientists.”

“Hmm.” The woman took one step closer. “What’s your name?”

“Bellamy.”

Her eyebrows raised in amusement. “You’re the Bellamy from the tapes.”

“The what?” He furrowed his brows.

The woman held her hand out. “McCreary.”

The man with the controller handed her a bag and she tossed it to Bellamy. “You might find those interesting... free add-on to the deal. If we get full use of your doctors.”

“Deal.” He said. Nothing would stop him from getting Clarke back. “Now let her go.”

The man, McCreary, stepped forward and Bellamy moved on instinct to block him. “You’re not touching her again.”

“Wanna bet, tough guy?” McCreary sneered. “Besides, this is nothing compared to what I already did to her.”

Bellamy saw red, grabbing the man by his throat. He didn’t even register guns being cocked and aimed at him.

“Bellamy!” He heard Echo yell, but he didn’t care.

“McCreary!” The woman yelled. “Fuck off and give him the key.”

McCreary jerked free from Bellamy’s hold, both men staring each other down and McCreary shoved the key into Bellamy’s chest. Bellamy’s jaw tightened and his body was tense, ready for a fight, but he had more important things to worry about than this asshole.

He broke the staring contest, running to where Clarke was laying on the ground. She was still unconscious and there was blood all over her.

“Jesus Christ.” He muttered. His hand trembled as he ran it across her cheek, wiping her hair back to see her face. “Clarke...” His voice cracked, but he couldn’t help it. 

Murphy was suddenly beside him, gently urging him. “Get that thing off her, man. Come on, we gotta move.”

Bellamy felt himself nod and his hands worked to unlatch the collar. Once it was off, Murphy tossed it towards the woman like it was on fire and Bellamy wasted no time, scooping Clarke into his arms.

His heart was beating faster than what could be considered healthy, his anxiety levels through the roof, but he held onto her firmly, pulling her close to his chest.

Murphy opened the back of the Rover and helped Bellamy inside.

“Is she okay?” Madi asked urgently. “What’s wrong with her?”

“She’s alive, kid. It’s okay.” Murphy said smoothly. He shut the door and walked back up to the woman.

“My name is Diyoza.” She held her hand out but Murphy didn’t take it.

“I hope you know if she dies, he won’t just kill the people left on your ship.” Murphy said steadily. “He’ll kill all of you.”

Diyoza lifted her chin, but didn’t say a word.

“We’ll be back in the morning to discuss the terms of the deal.” He said, then turned back to the Rover, opening the drivers door.

Diyoza smiled. “I look forward to it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ll be trying to post every Thursday, guys. Hopefully I can keep up. Thank you so much for all the love on the first chapter. I can’t wait to share the rest with you 💙


	3. Still Breathing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um wow, I completely and totally suck. I don’t have much of an excuse other than just life. I swear to you guys, I won’t leave you hanging forever and I’m back! By now you’re going to have to go back and read again to even remember what’s going on *face palm* I hate when writers do that, so I apologize!

“Other side, kid.” Murphy ordered gently, opening the door. “We need to get back to that cave fast. I’m driving.”

Madi obeyed immediately, climbing over to the passenger seat.

Murphy threw it into reverse and the tires spun as he hit the gas. He glanced back to see Bellamy cradling Clarke’s head in his lap, looking about as lost as he did their first day on the ring. Echo had her gaze down on her hands, not saying a word and not willing to look up to see the man she’d been with, holding the woman he thought he’d lost.

“Madi,” Murphy caught her attention. “I need you to keep your eyes in front and tell me where to go. You’ve gotta focus, okay? Don’t look back there.”

She didn’t need to see this.

“Okay.” She agreed shakily, tearing her eyes away from the back.

Bellamy looked at Clarke like she was a piece of glass, ready to shatter at any moment. His eyes searched her body, trying to find any source of blood other than her neck.

She was covered in it and he wasn’t sure where to start. He could barely see straight and his panic was rising. “Murphy, I-“ Bellamy’s voice broke off and he felt the tears starting to surface, his breaths starting to come faster. “I don’t know what to do.”

Before Murphy could answer, Clarke’s head shifted and she let out a startled breath.

“Hey, hey.” Bellamy started softly. “It’s okay. Just breathe. You’re okay.”

Her eyes caught his and she looked confused, but he couldn’t remember a time were he felt more relieved than right now.

“B-Bellamy?” Her voice was rough and scratchy, no doubt from the electricity that had coursed through her body.

“I’m here. It’s me, princess.” He brushed her cheek with his thumb and tried to stop his voice from shaking.

She lifted a hand slowly and put it on his cheek, her fingers running across his beard. “You’re real?” She whispered, her eyes filling with tears, landing back on his and he was happier than he had been in 6 years, even through his fear.

He put his hand over hers and squeezed, trying to assure her and himself. “I’m real. I’m here.”

She let out a soft sob, then closed her eyes in pain.

“Clarke,” he continued softly, but urgently. “Tell me what hurts? What did they do?”

“My neck and m-my side.” She stuttered weakly.

He shifted to lift her shirt and held back his own sob as he saw the stab wound. He took a deep breathe and swallowed.

“Okay.” He said more to himself than anything. “Okay, what do I do, Clarke? Tell me what to do.” He was trying not to panic, but he wasn’t too sure it was working. There was too much going on for him to think properly. He needed her to tell him what to do. “Clarke?”

But her eyes were already fluttering shut again.

“Hey, no! You’ve gotta stay with me, Clarke. Stay awake, _please_.” He tried. “Come on, princess. _Look at me_!” He didn’t realize he was crying until his tears fell onto her cheek.

Murphy peaked back, hearing how badly Bellamy’s voice was shaking. He was losing control. Murphy pressed on the gas harder and caught Madi trying to look back.

“Hey, come on, kid. Eyes forward. Remember?” He didn’t want her seeing _this_ especially. A vision of Bellamy falling apart over her mother was something she’d never get out of her head.

She looked at him with scared eyes, but placed her eyes back ahead. “T- turn left up by that boulder.”

“Murphy?” Bellamy called out, afraid, needing reassurance.

“I know, man. I’m going as fast as I can. She survived fucking Praimfaya, a little electricity can’t kill her.” He tried to comfort, even if he wasn’t sure it was true. “We’re almost there.”

“Madi, if I know Clarke, there has to be a medical kit back here. Where is it?” Echo finally spoke.

She started to turn around, but Murphy made a noise, stopping her. “No! Madi, just tell her where it is. She’s got it.”

“In the back corner, under the blankets. There’s one in the cave too.” She said sounding worried.

Echo moved to grab it, but honestly wasn’t sure what to do with most of it.

“Put- put pressure on her side to try and slow the bleeding.” Madi said. “That’s what she says to do if the bleeding won’t stop.”

“Harper and Monty can help when we reach the cave.” Murphy said. “And the kid’s right. Put pressure on it.”

Echo moved her hands and pressed against the wound. Clarke made a noise of pain even in her unconscious state and it went straight to Bellamy’s heart. He almost told Echo to stop, but he knew it had to be done.

“Right here! Stop!” Madi all but yelled.

“Go get Harper and Monty. Quick.” Murphy ordered her and she jumped out of the Rover, breaking out into a run.

Murphy ran around to the back and opened the door. “Alright, we gotta move her.” He hopped in to help Bellamy, who was still shaking, looking like he was in the verge of a complete meltdown.

“I’ve got her, man. Let me take her.” Murphy tried.

“I can’t.” Bellamy muttered, not taking his eyes off of her. If he stopped touching her, he was sure she’d disappear.

Murphy was going to argue, but he knew there’d be no changing his mind. “Then you’ve _got_ to pull yourself together, Bellamy. Let’s go. We need to get her to the cave.”

Bellamy took a deep breath, then lifted her into his arms and Echo moved back.

“What happened?!” Harper asked, running up to them.

“They electrocuted her and she has a knife wound in her side. We don’t know if anything else is wrong. She was conscious for a minute, but passed back out.” Murphy gave her the run down quickly.

“Okay, get that kit.” Harper pointed at the med kit. “Let’s get her in the cave. Now!”

“Where’d the kid go?” Murphy asked.

“In the cave with Raven.” Monty answered.

“Run ahead and tell Raven to keep her away for now. She doesn’t need to see this.” Murphy said.

Monty nodded and took off to warn Raven.

When they got to the cave, Murphy moved quickly, spreading out a blanket to lay her down on. Bellamy slowly put her down, then sat behind her, placing her head back onto his lap.

“Harper,” Bellamy rasped. “You’ve gotta help her. Please.”

Harper didn’t respond, already looking Clarke over. “Hand me those scissors.” She told Monty.

She cut Clarke’s shirt straight down the middle and Bellamy closed his eyes at the sight of black blood trailing down across her pale skin. He felt sick.

There were marks all over her body from where they’d cut her, but none like the stab wound. He didn’t even want to think about the damage they’d done that couldn’t be seen. Rage started to swell up inside him and he fought it. He felt relieved, heartbroken, terrified, happy and angry all at once. He couldn’t sort his emotions.

“Please, tell me she’ll be okay.” Bellamy begged. “Harper?”

_“Bellamy,_ if you don’t shut up, you’re gonna have to leave.” Harper ordered, trying to stay focused on Clarke. “Monty, we’re going to have to stitch her side and see if there’s a salve in there for her neck. It looks like she’s lost a lot of blood, but most of the active bleeding has stopped.”

Monty dug through the bag until he found the salve and then a needle to stitch her up. Luckily Clarke was the kind of person that had prepped for just about anything.

Echo looked at Bellamy carefully. “Bellamy, maybe you should step outsi-“

“I’m not leaving her.” His voice was low and determined.

“She’s right, Bell.” Murphy said. “You don’t need to see this.”

“I’m _not_ leaving her.” He said more firmly.

“No one needs to go anywhere. If she wakes up, someone’s going to have to hold her down.” Harper warned. “Both of you need to be ready.”

Murphy didn’t like the idea of Bellamy staying here and torturing himself by watching this, but he went to his knees on Clarke’s other side, ready to help if needed.

“We really need to clean this before we do anything else.” Harper shook her head. “She’s got so much blood on her it’s hard to see what I’m doing and I don’t want anything to get infected.”

“I’ll go get water. There’s a river just outside.” Echo said, already turning to leave, grabbing the bucket by the cave head.

“I’ll start a fire so we can boil it.” Emori said, standing up.

They all worked quickly and after Echo brought back the water, she went to update Raven. Raven was the one who returned though. “Oh my god.” She covered her mouth, looking at Clarke. “What happened?”

“Eligius.” Murphy shook his head and nodded discreetly in Bellamy’s direction.

Her eyes shot to him and a pang went through her chest. His eyes were red and his face scrunched together like he was in physical pain.

“Bellamy...” Raven started.

He closed his eyes at her voice and she came to sit next to him, wrapping her arm through his and letting her head rest on his shoulder. He almost let himself break down right then, barely holding himself together. “I can’t lose her now, Rae.” He whispered roughly, letting his head fall against hers. “I _can’t_.”

“You’re not going to.” She told him firmly. “She’s here, Bellamy.” Now that Raven knew she was alive, she wasn’t giving up hope. “She’s still breathing.”

His heart constricted again. Another memory. 

_“You still have hope?” She’d asked him in tears and he had given her a small smile in return, squeezing her shoulder._

_“We still breathing?” He responded._

“Raven, he’s fine. I need you to help me clean her up.” Harper’s voice snapped him out of it this time.

Harper was never usually one for orders or for being bossy, so Raven wiped her tears and quickly took her arm from Bellamy’s, moving to help her.

Bellamy hated the loss of Raven’s comfort because he was in fact _not_ fine, regardless of what Harper said. He was scared- no, he was terrified to lose her now that she was alive again. His chest was tight and he couldn’t breathe. It felt like losing her all over again. Except... this time he would have to watch.

“I’m gonna go get some more blankets from the Rover so we can keep her warm after we’re done.” Monty said, wanting to give Clarke her privacy.

Murphy turned around while the girls made quick work of cleaning her and Bellamy’s eyes never left her face, her head still resting on his lap, his thumb gently running over her cheek.

“Bellamy, I need you to carefully lift her head so we can clean her neck.” Harper told him gently.

He nodded on autopilot and as carefully as he could lifted her head. Once Harper had it cleaned, she applied the salve to it and told Bellamy to let her head back down.

Harper then focused on the stab wound, stitching it up tightly and neatly, while Raven made sure the rest of the cuts were cleaned and applied the salve to any she could see.

Once they were done, they took the blankets that Monty had brought back and they piled them on top of her. Her body was cold from losing so much blood. Too cold for Bellamy’s comfort. Raven took time to clean Clarke’s face, brushing her hair back and wiping the blood from it.

“I think she’s passed out because of the electrocution.” Harper said with a sigh, sliding down the cave wall, feeling drained. “She lost a lot of blood, but she’s still got color in her face and the bleeding has stopped... the electricity had to have been rough to take, especially with her being so small. Her body just needs time to recover.”

Bellamy felt like he was in a dream. A bad one. And his brain was still trying to catch up. “I need you to tell me that she’ll be okay.” He said tightly.

Harper thought for a second. “I think she will be. I- I’m not a doctor, so I can’t be sure. But I think she just needs time to let her body heal itself.”

Bellamy closed his eyes and let out a relieved breath, a little bit of the weight on his chest shifting.

“She’s gonna be in a lot of pain when she wakes up.” Harper said sadly.

“Oh!” Raven said out of nowhere. “Madi told me that there was a special plant that Clarke told her she could only use for serious emergencies. Helps with pain and, well...” She pulled out weed from her backpack.

“Monty?” Bellamy said.

“On it.” He grabbed it immediately.

Speaking of Madi... Bellamy looked up at Raven. “Can you get Madi? She’ll want to see her.”

Raven gave him a small, sad smile and nodded. “I’ll be right back.”

Monty handed Bellamy two rolled joints. “Best I can do for now. It’ll only help if she wakes up to smoke it.”

Bellamy took it, grateful for at least something to help with the pain once she woke up.

Everyone followed Raven back in. Madi ran up to Clarke’s side and ran her eyes over her face before looking to Bellamy, a desperate look in her eyes that must have mirrored his own. “Is... is she gonna be okay?”

He swallowed and looked up at Murphy, who nodded in encouragement.

“She’s gonna be okay.” His voice cracked and he cleared his throat. “Her body needs rest, time to heal itself. She’s okay.”

Madi’s tears finally fell and she kept her sad, scared eyes on Bellamy. “Promise?” She whispered.

His heart skipped. Whatever Clarke had told her about him, she trusted him completely even though she’d just met him.

“I promise.” He responded after a beat. And he prayed that he hadn’t just lied to her.

She threw herself onto him, her sobs taking control of her body. He pulled her into his side, wrapping a strong arm around her and she buried her head in his chest, clinging tightly to him. Comforting Madi gave him something to focus on, rather than his own pain.

Raven took in the scene with tears of her own, sitting across from them with her knees to her chest.

Echo was silently sitting by the fire, not taking her eyes off of it and Emori sat across from her, but her eyes were on Clarke too.

Murphy sighed, looking around at everyone. Every single one of them was a mess in some kind of way. They were all exhausted and looked like shit.

Monty had sat next to Harper and her head was resting on his shoulder, her eyes closed. He was pretty sure she’d fallen asleep and Monty wasn’t far behind her.

He ended up sliding down next to Raven, who tried to wipe her tears away.

“You don’t need to hide it.” Murphy told her quietly. “We thought she was dead for 6 years. Then we find her like this... it’s hard.”

“I can’t believe she’s alive.” Raven shook her head in disbelief. “She’s gonna be okay, right?” Raven asked weakly.

“Of course she is.” Murphy said confidently. “Who knows what she had to survive down here. This is probably nothing compared to that... she’ll wake up and she’ll be okay.”

Raven looked at Bellamy, who had his arm wrapped tightly around Madi and his other hand on Clarke. “It’ll kill him if she isn’t.” Raven said in realization.

Murphy took a deep breath and looked over at her. “I know. But if 6 years of radiation didn’t do it, I’d say she has a pretty good chance.”

“God, Murphy. She was alone all these years. How is she still here?” Raven asked, wiping more tears away.

“Cockroach.” Murphy said simply. He didn’t want to think about how she’d been alone with a little girl to take care of for 6 years. He sighed and wrapped his arm around Raven’s shoulders and she surprisingly leaned into it easily, taking the comfort.

Over by the fire, Emori tore her eyes from Clarke and Bellamy to look at Echo. “Are you okay?”

“I’ve already lost him.” Echo whispered, but her voice was steady.

“You don’t know that.” Emori said softly.

“I do.” Echo said simply. “I knew it the second he heard she was alive.” She looked at Emori, doing her best to mask her pain. “Before we left, I found him in her old cell crying... he never stopped wishing I was her.”

Emori let out a small sigh. She felt bad for her friend. She was losing the man she loved. I’m sorry didn’t feel like the right words. Like she’d be saying that she was sorry Clarke was alive and she wasn’t. She was thrilled that Clarke was alive.

“You know he does love you.” Emori tried.

“Like he loves you and Raven, and...” Echo trailed off, shaking her head. “He’s different with her.”

There was no point in arguing that. Everyone knew it. So Emori settled for taking Echo’s hand in silent comfort.

After a while, everyone except for Murphy and Bellamy were asleep. Murphy stood up, pulling slowly away from Raven and grabbed a blanket, covering her with it, then made his way to Bellamy.

Madi had cried herself to sleep, still tucked into Bellamy’s side and he didn’t look like he planned on letting her go anytime soon.

Murphy sat down on Bellamy’s other side and looked over at him. “You doin’ okay?”

“No.” Bellamy whispered tightly.

Murphy just nodded. He hadn’t expected him to be. Probably could’ve phrased the question a little better, but...

“She has to wake up, Murphy. I can’t do this. I can’t lose her again... I lo-”

“I know, man. You don’t have to tell me... tell _her_. When she wakes up.” Murphy cut him off. “Because she _will_ wake up. You promised the kid that she would.”

Bellamy looked away from Clarke just for a second to look over at Madi. He instinctively pulled her closer, feeling protective over a little girl he’d only known for a couple of hours.

“You’re not losing her, Bellamy.” Murphy assured.

Bellamy’s brain was starting to catch up now and it was realizing things he didn’t really want to realize. And asking questions he knew he didn’t want the answer to. He couldn’t stop himself from talking out loud though.

“She’s been alone for 6 years, Murphy. Just her and a little girl who you know she protected no matter what. And we’re so far from Becca’s lab. How long did it take her to get here? What happened before she found it? How did she-”

“Hey, Bell, relax.” Murphy stopped him. “You’re gonna drive yourself crazy wondering. Just wait and ask her when she wakes up.”

Bellamy took in a breath and blew it shakily back out. _“Fuck.”_ He cursed, trying and failing to hold back a sob. “I left her here alone.”

“We didn’t have a choice. You _know_ we didn’t.” Murphy said firmly. “Beating yourself up about this, isn’t going to do anyone any good. You would’ve died if you stayed here.”

“I should’ve been at the lab with her.” He argued. “I should’ve taken the nightblood too. I should’ve been with her.”

“But you cant change it.” Murphy said stopping him.

Bellamy shook his head, no longer caring enough to stop his tears.

“I’m sorry, Bell. I know it’s hard. But she’s alive.” Murphy said softly.

A soft noise came from Clarke, and Bellamy sat up straighter, his attention snapping to her. He was careful not to disturb Madi though.

“Clarke, try not to move, okay?” Murphy said quickly.

Her eyes fluttered open and her brow furrowed. “What’s happening?” She mumbled, blinking her eyes open.

“You’re okay. You’re safe. We’re in the cave.” Bellamy said, sniffing.

Her eyes were still heavy when she looked up at him, but they grew softer. “You’re really here.” She whispered in awe. “You’re okay?”

“I’m here. I’m okay.” He answered quickly. _She’s okay_ , his brain screamed.

“I’m gonna grab her some water.” Murphy stood up, giving them space.

“Wait. Madi.” She said, sounding startled. “Where- Is everyone-“

“Everyone’s okay.” He pushed her gently back down. “Everyone’s here. Madi’s right here.”

She let herself relax back down and let out a breath. “Am _I_ okay?” She asked after a beat.

“You-“ his voice caught and he sniffed, pushing down more tears. “You just need to rest. You lost a lot of blood, but Harper stitched your side and Raven helped clean you up so nothing gets infected.”

She nodded slowly, letting her eyes close. “You’re all alive.” She said as if to confirm it again.

“All of us. Thanks to you.” He kept his voice low and soft.

Her eyes started closing again. “I’m so tired.” She sounded like it too.

“I know, princess. Just stay awake a little longer. I need you to drink something.” He urged.

Murphy came back with the water and he helped her sit up, since Bellamy still had Madi wrapped around him.

She drank eagerly, her hand wrapping over Murphy’s. Her throat felt like it was on fire.

“Whoa,” Murphy warned. “Slow down there, cockroach.”

She tried not to choke on the water as a small laugh ran through her and Murphy smiled.

“Takes one to know one.” She teased softly once she had swallowed.

Murphy smirked back at her. “I’m glad you’re alive.” He said honestly.

“Me too.” She offered a small grin and he helped her lay back down on Bellamy’s lap.

“I’ll be over there if you need anything.” Murphy told them and went to take his place back next to Raven.

Once he was gone, Clarke closed her eyes against the pain. Bellamy’s heart constricted at that, feeling close to breaking. He couldn’t imagine what she felt, but it physically hurt him to see her like this.

“Everything hurts.” She admitted quietly.

“Can I do anything? How can I help?” He asked, running a hand through her hair.

“Please, just- Don’t leave.” She whispered, face scrunched in pain. “I need this to be real.” She sounded desperate.

“I’m not leaving you again.” He promised.

There were so many things he wanted to say, but now wasn’t the time. She was already slipping back into sleep and as much as he wanted her to stay awake, he knew she had to sleep.

“I’m right here.” He spoke softly, running his hand rhythmically through her hair until her breaths evened out.

He felt eyes on him and looked up to see Echo watching them, an unreadable look on her face.

Guilt ran through him, but his mind pushed it away almost immediately. He’d figure out what to do about Echo later. Right now, Clarke needed him. That’s what he had to focus on.

Eventually sleep started to catch up with him. Exhaustion taking its hold. Keeping his arm around Madi so she was safely tucked into his side and keeping his other hand in Clarke’s hair, reassuring himself that she was really here and alive, he let his eyes close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will update again before next Thursday. I hope you guys don’t hate me 💙


	4. Never

Raven woke up early, before the sun had even started to rise. She’d ended up somehow leaned against Murphy during the night. She lifted herself up off the ground slowly, trying not to wake him and made her way over to Clarke.

Bellamy’s hand was wound in her hair, her head resting on him and he was still holding Madi closely against his side. The sight would’ve made her heart feel warm if it weren’t for the circumstances. If Clarke wasn’t hurt and Bellamy’s heart wasn’t breaking for her.

“Hey.”

She jumped at Clarke’s voice, even though it was soft, then she smiled.

“Hey...” She had so many things she wanted to say- to _ask_. “Clarke, I’m so s-”

“Don’t tell me you’re sorry, okay?” Clarke whispered, her eyes glistening. “I’m just so happy you’re here.”

Raven sniffed and nodded. “I am too. And I’m so happy you’re alive.” Then she remembered what kind of shape she was in. “Shit, I’m an idiot. What do you need? Are you thirsty? Are you in pain?”

“Some water would be nice.” She answered hoarsely.

Raven moved quickly, back by her side in an instant and helped her drink.

“Madi was gracious enough to show us your weed stash.” Raven smirked. “If you’re in any pain?”

“I could use some pain relief.” Clarke smiled softly at her.

Raven looked out of the cave entrance and could barely see light starting to come through. “Do you think you can stand?”

Clarke looked up at Bellamy like she didn’t wanna leave him.

“He’s not going anywhere.” Raven told her gently with a smile. “Trust me.”

Clarke didn’t look sure, but carefully moved from Bellamy’s hold and Raven helped her up, then helped her outside the cave, both of them sitting on top of a hill where they could see the sun starting to peak over the horizon.

Raven lit the joint and passed it to Clarke, who took it gratefully. She took a deep breath, letting herself relax, then passed it to Raven.

“I missed you guys, so much.” Clarke said, sounding dazed. “I didn’t know if you made it... I _hoped_ , but...”

“You saved us, Clarke.” Raven breathed out. “And we left you.”

“There was no other choice.” Clarke shook her head.

“You were there to save _me_ , Clarke.” Raven said sadly. “It’s my fault you were stuck here. If it weren’t for me-”

“Then we’d all probably have been dead long before the conclave.” Clarke cut her off. “Raven, please don’t feel bad about leaving me. You kept them all alive. And because we came to save you, we also saved Murphy and Emori and Echo.”

“Will it hurt if I hug you?” Raven asked tearfully.

Clarke didn’t answer her. Instead embracing her fully, pulling her in close.

“I missed you.” Raven whispered.

“I missed you too.” Clarke said through closed eyes.

•

Bellamy woke with a start. His back was aching from leaning against the cave wall all night and the shoulder he had around Madi was stiff from not moving.

As he woke up, he noticed the weight on his legs was gone. _Clarke_ was gone. He moved as quickly as he could, moving Madi gently so she was lying on the blankets, then practically ran out of the cave.

“Clarke?” He called out, trying not to panic. Then he saw two figures on top of the hill in front of him. One of them unmistakenly blonde and the other with an unmistakable pony tail. He let out a breath and walked towards them.

Raven was laughing at something Clarke said and they were passing the joint that Monty had rolled, back and forth between each other.

The sun was soft, starting to cast a warm glow over them and they both looked happy. It eased the ache in his heart some.

“Madi did amazing last night.” Raven told Clarke. “She knew exactly who we all were. How?”

Clarke looked away, trying to hide her blush. “I, um, drew you guys a lot. Helped keep my hands busy. Pass the time.” She shrugged.

“I can tell Bellamy already loves her.” Raven changed the subject, sensing Clarke was uncomfortable.

That made Clarke smile. “I hope so. She loves him. She has for years.”

Raven looked at her in question.

“I told her stories about you guys. About the hundred. Everything. Stories with Bellamy are her favorite.” Clarke smiled fondly.

“Well he was really good with her last night.” Raven said. “Even though he was a complete mess.”

“I knew he’d be good with her. He practically raised Octavia.” She smiled.

“Clarke,” Raven started. “He was so lost-“

Bellamy’s shadow appeared beside Clarke and she looked up. “Bellamy.” She smiled.

“Hey, princess.” His voice was smooth and deep, just like she remembered it and it soothed something deep in her soul. “You girls got enough to share?” He managed a smirk.

“We can spare a huff or two.” Raven teased.

He chuckled and sat down next to Clarke, all of them looking out at the sky as they smoked. Bellamy coughed a little and Clarke and Raven both laughed.

“I don’t think I’ve smoked since the first time we came to the ground.” He tried to play off.

“That’s a lie and you know it. You just can’t take the heat.” Raven rolled her eyes playfully.

Bellamy shook his head, playing it off. Because it _was_ a lie. Then looked he at Clarke more serious. “You feeling okay?”

“I haven’t felt this good in a really long time.” She said honestly.

He smiled softly at her and his heart stopped for a beat, looking at her. Seeing her now... she was more beautiful than anything he’d ever seen. He’d dreamt of her face thousands of times and now she was here in front of him.

“I feel like I’m in a dream.” He said, not looking away from her.

“It better not be a dream.” Raven commented dryly. “Because I worked damn hard to get us down here.”

“I’ve never dreamt of Bellamy with a beard.” Clarke grinned. “So I think it’s real.”

“Yeah, you get used to it.” Raven shrugged with a smirk.

“No, I like it.” She smiled softly, still looking at Bellamy. “It fits you.”

“Well then I guess I’ll keep it.” He was looking at her like she was the only thing lighting the world and suddenly Raven felt like she was intruding.

“I’m gonna... yeah, I’m gonna go.” She decided, pushing herself up with a smirk. “You kids have fun catching up.”

When she was gone, Bellamy found himself reaching his hand up to Clarke’s face. “I still can’t believe you’re alive.” He whispered, sounding awestruck. “I thought I lost you.”

“Only for a little while.” She whispered back, feeling her heart starting to beat harder against her chest.

_“6 years.”_ He furrowed his brow and shook his head, looking back at the sky and trying to keep down his tears.

She swallowed and bit her lip in thought. “6 years can feel like a lifetime.” She agreed with him, then had an idea. “Can I show you something?” She asked.

He looked back at her, wondering how she thought he could ever tell her no, but nodded in response.

He stood up first and helped her, supporting a lot of her weight as they walked. He wasn’t so sure she should be walking, but again, he wasn’t about to tell her no. She led him to the Rover and went through a box in the back until she pulled out a book.

There were still so many questions he was dying to ask her that he had to swallow down for now.

“When I first found this place- or the village. I was...” she shook her head before continuing. “Alone. And then I found Madi and she almost killed me.” She laughed at that memory. “But somehow I earned her trust... I drew a picture of her and put it outside so she could see it.” She flipped through until she found it, then passed the book to him.

He smiled at the picture, running the tips of his fingers over it. There was no doubt the girl in the picture was Madi. She was younger, her hair wilder and her clothes torn, but Clarke had captured her face perfectly.

“And here we thought there were no more true nightbloods.” He said, keeping his eyes on the page.

“Guess I got lucky.” She tried to joke.

“Lucky isn’t a word I’d use for you, princess.”

She smiled again. “I used to never think I’d like hearing that name.”

“Shit.” He cursed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t thi-“

“No.” She cut him off quickly. “No, I- I’m happy to hear it now. Never thought I’d hear it again.”

He smiled at her honesty, and he was pretty sure she wouldn’t have been admitting it if she weren’t high, but he didn’t care. “So I can still call you princess?” He grinned.

“You can still call me princess.” She grinned back.

“Can I?” He gestured towards the book, asking if he could look through it and she nodded, both of them settling in the back of the Rover.

The next page was a picture of Octavia at the conclave, war paint in the shape of Lincoln’s tattoo covering her face. Bellamy had to catch his breath. He hadn’t seen Octavia for 6 years. Not even in a picture. On the ring, he’d had nothing left of either of the women he loved most. Only memories.

“I tell Madi stories.” Clarke said. “About all of us. The things that happened down here. She loves them. Makes her feel like she knows you guys.”

Bellamy turned the page to find a picture of himself. It was a picture of the day he’d taught her to drive the Rover. He was on a large boulder and the waterfall leading to the river was behind him. And he was smiling at her. He remembered every detail of that day.

“Clarke, this is...” He swallowed the lump that had grown in his throat and looked up at her. “These are amazing.”

“You never really got a chance to look at any of my drawings before, I guess.” She said almost sounding embarrassed.

“There’s a lot of things I never got a chance to do.” He said looking at her softly.

He felt like he was in a dream and he was scared he would wake up any second. The sun was warming the air around them, the slight, cool breeze, the birds chirping. And Clarke. This was something he never thought he’d have. 

“Princess.” he started, because now he never wanted to call her anything _but_ that. He wound a hand through her hair, being careful of her neck and they both found themselves leaning closer to the other.

He closed his eyes and cursed himself. _Echo_. He couldn’t do this yet. So he settled for leaning his forehead against hers and holding her close.

“I’m _never_ leaving you again. I promise.” He whispered strongly.

“I’ll hold you to that.” She answered breathlessly.

She closed her eyes and slowly pulled back. “I feel kind of tired still.”

He looked at the sun. It was still rising. They had a little time before they had to go meet with Eligius. “All that weed will do that to you.” He said slyly. “Bet you’re hungry too.”

“Shut up.” She hit him lightly on the chest.

He shifted and moved the blankets left in the Rover, then laid down. “C’mere.” He motioned. “We’ve got a little time. Then I’ve gotta meet with Eligius.”

She tensed a little at the name and bit the inside of her lip in thought. “How’d you convince them to let me go?”

“We were on their ship.” He said. “They’ve got 283 prisoners left in cryosleep. We used them as a bargaining chip. They let you go and they help dig out the bunker.”

“Why were you on their ship?”

He could see her gears turning. “We... we didn’t have enough fuel to make it back to the ground. That’s why we’re a year late. We saw their ship and managed to just land on that and use one of their pods to get down.”

She nodded, taking in that information. “I thought I didn’t get to the satellite in time. I... I thought you died.” She said, her eyes filling with tears.

“It felt like I did.” He whispered roughly. “I didn’t want to live without you. I didn’t _deserve_ to.” Now he was admitting things that he wouldn’t if he weren’t high.

She shook her head. “You did deserve to.” She said fiercely. “You deserve _so much_ more.”

He shook his head head, because he didn’t. He knew he wasn’t going to change her mind though. He just didn’t understand why she wasn’t upset with him for leaving her by herself here.

“How did you do it?” He asked. “You were alone all this time. I had people and I still... I still almost didn’t make it.”

Her tears fell at his confession. “I almost didn’t. When- when I left Becca’s lab, I went to Polis. I thought- maybe I could get into the bunker. But it all collapsed on top of the door and I- I almost got crushed. Then I don’t know, I just... wandered. Looking for something, anything. And when I didn’t find anything... I put a gun to my head.”

“I don’t know if I can hear this, Clarke.” He admitted. He already felt like his chest was going to burst open.

“But when I did... I saw a bird.” She continued. “And it led me here. I found Madi and I found-“ she cut herself off hesitating. “I found a radio.”

“Wait.” He said, pulling out the bag Diyoza had thrown him last night. “This radio?”

Her mouth dropped open a little. “How did you...”

“The woman who had you. Diyoza. She gave them to me. She said... she said I was on them.”

Clarke swallowed and nodded. “Yeah, I um... I radioed you.” She said hesitantly. “I don’t really know why I did it, or why I recorded it. I know it sounds crazy, I just-“

“I’m sorry.” He cut her off. “That I couldn’t hear you... that I couldn’t respond.” He gave a sad shrug and couldn’t stop the tears that fell. “That I left you.” His voice shook.

She didn’t have a response for that. She wanted to tell him it wasn’t his fault, that none of it was, but she didn’t trust her voice because the emotions were building up in her throat. So instead, she let herself fall into his open chest and cried with him.

They both needed it, needed to let out the emotions that had built up. They needed each other. And they’d been denied that for so long.

“I missed you so much.” She cried into his chest.

“Me too, princess.”

He kissed the top of her head and pulled her close, rubbing her back until both of their tears subsided and their breaths evened out. She fell back asleep quickly after that, her body still drained of any real energy.

There wasn’t any way he was going back to sleep though. He really didn’t want to miss another second with her, so he just held her. Letting her get as much sleep as possible.

After a while, Echo appeared at the door of the Rover. Her jaw tightened, taking in their positions. It was hard, even if she knew what she was walking into.

Bellamy tried not to sigh when he saw her.

“I think that we should talk.” She said.

He closed his eyes. _They should_. He knew that. But this was not a conversation that he was looking forward to. And he really wasn’t looking forward to untangling himself from Clarke.

So much had happened in the last 24 hours. Their whole lives had changed once again. Now here he was about to break up with Echo. It was only right. He couldn’t drag it out even if he wanted to. Echo was too smart for that.

Deep down he knew he never should’ve gotten with her in the first place. He had used her as a distraction. Sometimes he hadn’t even seen her as her own person. When he’d had to pretend in order to get himself through the night.

“I know.” He finally answered.

“We can do it later.” She offered graciously. “After Eligius.”

“Are you sure?” He felt bad drawing out the inevitable.

“I’m sure.” She said. “...I’m happy for you... that she’s alive.”

“Thank you.” He answered, unsure of what else to say.

She nodded once and disappeared back into the cave.

He let his head fall back with a sigh. This was going to be a long day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank you guys for being continuously amazing and patient 💙😘 work has been a complete whirlwind this week with all this COVID craziness. But you guys are the best for sticking with me!


	5. If I Get High Enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I’m not sure if I still have an audience and if I don’t, well, I only have myself to blame. Regardless of what it looks like I haven’t completely abandoned this story. I’ve had a rough go lately, but I’m doing my best to get back on this, so if you’re still out there, try not to hate me too much.
> 
> This chapter is a flashback to the ring, right after Praimfaya. There will be a couple chapters like this, just to delve into what it was like for Bellamy up there. The song for this chapter is the song that inspired this story actually, which is If I Get High by Nothing But Thieves

* 6 years ago *

It had been 1 week since Praimfaya. He hated looking out the window, looking down at what used to be the earth. Now it was just ash.

No matter how much he hated it though, he still found himself here every single goddamn night. It was like he couldn’t help it. It made his pain worse, but... maybe that was _why_ he did it. He _wanted_ to feel the pain. He deserved it.

Then, like every night since he’d been stuck in this piece of shit metal ring, he wandered to her old cell.

The first night, he’d purposely sought it out. He had needed something of her. From her. Now his feet just automatically led him there. When he had walked in the first night and saw the drawings, he’d dropped to his knees, having what he was sure was a pretty severe panic attack. Eventually he’d been able to breathe again, but that didn’t make him feel any better.

Now, while it still hurt to be in there, it also brought him some sort of comfort. It was a place that he felt like he could be close to her. The _only_ place now.

The others didn’t know. Or at least he didn’t _think_ that they knew. Maybe they just pretended not to. He didn’t care either way though.

He carried a bottle of Monty’s moonshine with him tonight and Monty had also been kind enough to slip him a bag of weed that he’d stashed from their days on the Ark.

He slid down the wall and stared at the drawings as he took a long drink. It burned, but he welcomed it. It was the only feeling of warmth he was going to get stuck up here. He lit the joint and inhaled deep, wanting to get as lost as he could.

His hands were shaking as he immediately lifted the bottle back to his lips. God, he was a complete mess. He took a long drag and closed his eyes.

Maybe if he got high enough, he’d be able to see her. Wishful thinking he knew, but he _needed_ to see her. Even if was just a hallucination from his own mind. He’d be okay with that.

When he closed his eyes again, he _could_ picture her. She was laughing softly at him, shaking her head at whatever stupid thing he’d said or done. He couldn’t remember what it was. But he should have. He should’ve remembered every single thing that made her laugh. Should’ve remembered every single second that he’d had with her.

He could see her, smell her, hear her voice. He wanted to touch her. He ached to. But even in this state, his mind just couldn’t grant him that.

He felt a sob building up in his chest and he didn’t bother to stop it as it ripped its way out. He pulled his knees up to his chest and pulled his knife out of his pocket, twisting it in his hands while the sobs took control of the rest of his body.

The moonshine was half empty now. The joint gone. And he was _completely_ shit faced.

His grip on the knife was tight, making his knuckles white. He pressed it into his wrist, but he couldn’t feel the pain.

That’s what he wanted though. _Pain_. He wanted to just end it, but he heard Clarke’s voice in his mind and he just couldn’t do it. He brought the knife up to his chest, still holding it with a death grip.

That was how Murphy found him. Sobbing, bleeding, with a half empty bottle of moonshine and a knife clutched to his chest.

“Fuck, Bellamy.” Murphy cursed, rushing into the cell. He went to his knees in front of him. “Hey, Bellamy, look at me!”

Bellamy just shook his head. He didn’t want anyone to see him like this.

“You’ve gotta breathe, man. Come on.”

“I- I can’t.” He sobbed. “I need her- Murphy, I- I can’t breathe.“

“Look at me.” Murphy ordered firmly. “Focus on me. You’re gonna be fine.”

Bellamy wasn’t sure he’d ever be ‘fine’ again. “I can’t do this anymore.” He choked out. 

Murphy’s eyes locked onto the knife and saw the blood on his wrist. “Hey, think of _her_ , Bellamy. Think of Clarke. You know she wouldn’t want you like this. She wouldn’t want you to do this.”

“Please, Murphy.” Bellamy cried. “Just let me go.”

Murphy looked at him sadly. “You know I can’t, man... let me have the knife.” He placed his hand over Bellamy’s. “Don’t make me fight you when you’re like this.”

Bellamy’s grip was still tight on the knife though.

“She didn’t die to save you just so you could kill yourself, Bellamy.” Murphy tried one last time.

Bellamy took a deep, shaky breath before finally releasing his grip. Murphy tossed it to the other side of the room and then pried the bottle from his hands too. “I think you’ve had enough of this.”

Then Murphy slumped down beside him with a sigh. “Just let it all out, man. You don’t need to hold it in.”

So he did. He let himself cry until his chest couldn’t take it anymore. Murphy sat silently next to him the entire time.

Once his tears had stopped, they both still sat there.

“I know it doesn’t help,” Murphy said carefully. “But, I’m sorry.”

Bellamy just sniffed and nodded, keeping his eyes forward. “When I close my eyes...” He rasped. “I can see her. _So_ perfectly and I-“ his voice caught and he shook his head. “I’m scared that she’ll disappear.”

“She won’t.” Murphy said confidently. “Remember her like that... however you’re seeing her right now. Hold on to it.”

Bellamy finally looked at him, eyes red from the tears.

Murphy shrugged. “I know Clarke well enough to know that she’d want you to remember her happy.”

He bit the inside of his cheek and nodded, because Murphy was right.

Murphy’s gaze went to the walls, looking around the cell. “She drew all this, huh?”

“Yeah.” Bellamy answered roughly. “I knew that she drew, but... I didn’t know how good she was.” He said chastising himself.

“It’s not like we had a lot of down time on the ground.” Murphy said. “Don’t feel bad.”

“I left her.” He shook his head sadly. “I let her die alone... and I never told her.” His eyes filling back up again.

“She knew.” Murphy whispered, knowing _exactly_ what Bellamy didn’t tell her.

Bellamy’s eyes shot to him again and Murphy just shrugged. “We all knew... and I promise you that she did too. You know that, right?”

Bellamy swallowed hard and pain shot through his chest, because _yeah_ , he knew. And he still didn’t tell her.

“I almost told her one morning.” He said slowly. “I’d taught her how to drive the Rover and we...” he paused for a moment, reliving the memory. “We spent the afternoon just the two of us by the river after. We stayed out all night and ended up passed out in the back of the Rover. When we woke up... I almost told her then.”

He pulled out another joint and lit it, taking a hit before passing it to Murphy.

“I remember that night.” Murphy said with a small laugh. “We all thought you two had found somewhere to hunker down just the two of you and said fuck everyone else.”

“I would have.” Bellamy answered honestly. “If that’s what she wanted, I would’ve done it in a heart beat.”

Murphy just nodded, blowing out smoke.

“I can see her, Murphy.” Bellamy said, sounding like he was in a dream. “I can smell her and hear her. But no matter how hard I try... I can’t touch her.”

“You will one day.” Murphy assured him.

_ May we meet again. _

The words echoed through his head. What he wouldn’t give for that.

“Hey, how’s that wrist?” Murphy nodded to it.

Bellamy looked down at the dried blood. “I don’t feel it.” He admitted, shrugging.

“Can’t imagine you would after half a bottle of moonshine.” He said slyly.

“I can still feel some things.” Bellamy whispered roughly. The moonshine didn’t take away how much his heart hurt.

Murphy gave a sad sigh. “Yeah... yeah, I know.”

They went back to silently smoking for a few minutes when Murphy spoke again. “I need you to promise me something, man.”

Bellamy’s jaw worked and he glanced at him to let him know he was listening.

“I need you to promise me that you aren’t gonna off yourself...” he said bluntly. “I need you to do what _Clarke_ would want you to do. And I know that it hurts, but, Bellamy... you can’t give up. Not after she died for us.”

Bellamy didn’t answer at first. He felt pulled in two different directions. One where he wanted to end it all so maybe he could _actually_ see her again. And the other where he would do what she wanted him to do. What she died for.

“She’d be fuckin’ pissed at you.” Murphy added. “She may even kill you in the afterlife.”

That got a small laugh out of Bellamy and he nodded his head. “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

Murphy smiled, but pushed him. “I’m serious, Bellamy. You have to promise. No matter how much it hurts, or how sad you are or how much you want to or... or think you deserve it, you’ve gotta promise me you won’t... for Clarke.”

Bellamy sniffed again, wondering how Murphy knew exactly how he felt, before nodding. “For Clarke... I promise.” He said roughly.

Murphy let his body relax some. “Good.” He said. “Now, pass me the weed.”


	6. Amplified in the Silence

Bellamy let Clarke rest as long as he could. The sun was high in the sky now. If he had to guess it was around 9:00 and even though he hated it, he was going to have to wake her up soon. Something told him Eligius wouldn’t exactly be patient.

“Bellamy?”

He heard Madi’s soft voice call out, then saw her head peak around the door of the Rover hesitantly.

“Hey, Madi.” He replied softly. “Are you okay?”

She nodded and climbed in carefully. “I woke up and you were both gone.”

Murphy appeared behind her. “I tried to tell her you guys were fine. But she’s stubborn.”

“Is she okay?” Madi asked, ignoring Murphy.

“She looks just fine to me.” Murphy smirked, eying Bellamy, who glared in response, but it held no real heat.

“She’s okay.” Bellamy told Madi. “She’ll be a little sore for a while and tired. But she’s okay.”

He couldn’t be happier to say that.

Madi nodded and sat next to Clarke, watching her softly. “You love her, right?” She asked innocently.

Bellamy’s breath caught. That wasn’t a question he was expecting. It sounded innocent enough coming from Madi. Kids always made things sound so simple.

Murphy’s eyebrows raised, but he stayed silent.

“Because in the stories she tells me, it always sounds like you love her. And she won’t tell me, but I know that she loves you too.” Madi continued, not sensing Bellamy’s internal panic. “Especially since she called you every day.”

Bellamy blinked at that. “Every day?” He rasped out.

“Yeah.” Madi said, brushing Clarke’s hair back gently. “Well except for when she got really sick. I couldn’t wake her up for two days. She was really hot and sweaty and I got really scared. I tried to call you those days, but...” she trailed off, seemingly lost in her own memories. “You couldn’t hear me.”

Bellamy’s heart was breaking. _Every day?_

Luckily, the question she’d asked had been forgotten. So he was saved there.

However he still felt his anxiety building and his breaths were starting to come faster.

Murphy noticed immediately. “Bell, relax.” He said calmly. “She’s right here.”

He tried to take a deep breath and nodded and Madi looked up at him. “I’m really glad you’re here.” She said. “I think... I think she’ll be happy now. She missed you a lot.”

“I missed her too.” He answered shakily and tried not to think about the fact that Madi thought Clarke hadn’t been happy before. Tried not to think about Madi scared and alone while Clarke was sick, trying to radio him but being met with silence. Tried not to think about how sick Clarke must’ve been.

“Do you have to talk to the people that hurt her today?” She asked.

Bellamy cleared his throat and tried to sit up a little without disturbing Clarke. “Yeah. We’re gonna try to get everyone out from the bunker.”

Madi bit her lip and nodded in thought. It looked so much like Clarke that he couldn’t believe she wasn’t actually her daughter.

“You did really good yesterday, Madi.” Bellamy told her softly and it made her smile, even though it was a small one. “And I promise if I could’ve heard your calls, I would’ve answered every single one.”

Her face lit up at that. “I know.” She said. “ _I_ missed you too. Even though I never met you. Does that make sense?”

His heart melted a little at that and he gave her a smile. “It makes perfect sense to me.”

Murphy had a small smirk on his face, watching them. He hadn’t seen Bellamy this happy in a long time. It was getting close to the time they needed to meet Eligius though.

“Hey, I know you wanna let her sleep, but we’ve gotta get moving soon.” Murphy said hesitantly.

“I know.” Bellamy sighed. “Hey, wake up, princess.” He ran his hand through her hair gently and she shifted with a small sigh.

“Clarke?” Madi shook her should gently and Clarke blinked her eyes open.

Madi’s smile grew and she flung her arms around her. “You’re okay!” She said relieved.

“Careful, Madi.” Clarke said softly. “I’m okay.”

“Oh, sorry!” Madi pulled back. “Does it hurt a lot?”

“Only a little.” Clarke lied and Bellamy made a face, then helped her sit up.

“You should stay here.” He told her gently. As much as he didn’t want to leave her side, he wanted her as safe as she could be.

“No, I’m okay. Really.” She told him. But he could tell by how slowly and carefully she climbed out of the Rover that she _really_ wasn’t.

“You’re not.” He said, following her out. He kept his hand out like he was ready to catch her if she suddenly fell.

“Bellam-“

“Clarke, I’m serious.” He cut her off.

“Why don’t we go make sure everyone else is awake, kid?” Murphy suggested to Madi, who agreed easily, taking his hand.

“Bellamy, I’m okay to go. I don’t feel that bad.” She tried. And it probably would’ve convinced anyone else, but not him. He wasn’t falling for it.

“Last night you were stabbed and you were electrocuted and god knows what else they did to you. Do you even know how much blood you lost?” He was trying to stay calm, but it wasn’t working.

“Not enough to kill me.” She said like that was supposed to make it better.

“Clarke, please.” He grabbed her gently by the shoulders. “You don’t know what it was like seeing you like that. I thought you were dead. I just got you back and I can’t- just...” he was struggling, his emotions building up quickly. _“Please,_ stay here where it’s safe. Please.” He begged. “I can’t lose you.” He admitted easily.

Her eyes softened, seeing the fear in his eyes and her determination deflated. “Fine.” She said. “But I’m coming with you when it’s time to open the bunker.”

“Deal.” He agreed quickly. “Now, let’s get back to the others. I know they’re excited to see you.”

She smiled and followed him back to the cave.

Harper jumped up as soon as she saw her, but stopped just short of hugging her. Tears filled her eyes and she shook her head. “I’m so happy to see you.”

“Me too.” Clarke said, pulling Harper in for the hug that she’d been too afraid to give.

When they pulled back, Monty was right behind Harper, taking a hug of his own. “We should’ve known you were tougher than Praimfaya.” He whispered.

Then, to her surprise, Emori wrapped her in a gentle hug too. “I’m glad you’re okay.” She said pulling back with a smile.

Clarke just smiled and squeezed her arm in response. She met Echo’s eyes and she just nodded in greeting.

That was about what she’d expected from the woman. She wondered if she’d changed at all during her time in space.

“Alright. Murphy and I are going to meet with Eligius. I want the rest of you to stay here.” Bellamy said.

“In your dreams.” Raven retorted. “You two are not going into a village full of potentially aggressive prisoners by yourselves.”

“Yes, we are.” He said firmly. “We don’t need to risk bringing more of us in there. If something happens, the more of us that are still out here, the better.”

“Maybe you should take Echo too?” Clarke spoke.

Everyone looked at her quietly and she was a little taken back by it.

“What?” She asked feeling uncomfortable with so many eyes on her. “Echo is a good fighter. And dead on with her bow. She can back you guys up from further away. It’ll be safer that way.”

Bellamy had to swallow, but nodded. “Alright. Echo comes too. But that’s it. We should be back in an hour.”

“This should be fun.” Murphy sighed, unamused and nodded to Echo. “Let’s go.”

Bellamy walked up to Clarke and Raven. “Keep each other safe. I won’t be long.”

“Yeah, we’ve got it, Bellamy. We’re fine.” Raven said annoyed. “You’re the one that needs to be careful.”

“I will.” He assured. “Just... stay safe.” He ended looking at Clarke. It was killing him to leave her, but he couldn’t risk taking her.

“We will.” Clarke said.

He swallowed once more and then ripped his eyes away from her, jogging towards the Rover.

Clarke’s own eyes were worried as she watched him disappear out of the cave.

“He’ll be okay.” Raven laid a hand on Clarke’s arm. “And believe me, he won’t stay away longer than he has to.”

Clarke took a deep breath. “This still doesn’t feel real.” She admitted. “Seeing him- _all of you_ , it’s-“

“It’s okay if you missed him the most.” Raven grinned. “You guys are... I don’t know. You’ve always been close, I guess.”

“Yeah.” Clarke whispered, seemingly lost in her own thoughts. “So,” she said, shaking her head clear. “How was space?”

“So boring.” Raven laughed lightly. “It was interesting seeing Echo and Emori adjust. Emori actually did great and she’s now my little protégée.” Raven said proudly.

“That’s great, Raven.” She smiled.

Emori, Harper, Monty and Madi were all by the small fire. Madi had them engaged in some story she was telling, but they couldn’t hear it from where they were.

“What do you think’s gonna happen when we open the bunker?” Raven asked quietly.

“I don’t know.” Clarke said unsure. “I’m sure Octavia and Kane kept everyone unified.”

“Yeah.” Raven sounded unsure, but hopeful. “Do you think that the grounders will freak out about Madi? Because she’s a nightblood?”

Clarke sighed. She’d thought about this before. Thought about it so much that her head hurt and she still didn’t have an answer. “I have no idea. But it scares me.”

“Bellamy won’t let anything happen to her, Clarke.” Raven promised. “None of us will.”

Clarke tried to smile and push the worry down. “What about Echo?” She asked. “Do you think Octavia will let her stay?”

Raven made a face. “It’s hard to forget being stabbed by someone and falling off a cliff... but Echo’s not the same person. She knows she made mistakes. Hopefully Octavia will understand that and give her a chance.”

“I don’t think she likes me very much.” Clarke said dryly.

“Who, Echo? You saved her life, Clarke.” Raven said. “She’s just... I don’t know. She’s hard to explain. And...” Raven sighed. She couldn’t explain things the way she wanted without Bellamy telling Clarke things first. “She may be a little jealous of you.”

Clarke furrowed her brows. “Why would she be jealous of me?”

Raven sighed again. “I think you should just ask Bellamy these questions when he gets back.”

Clarke furrowed her eyebrows at that, but didn’t press any further.

They both went quiet for a minute, before Clarke spoke again. “You trust her, right?”

Raven looked at her in question.

“Echo. You trust her to keep them safe?” Clarke asked.

Raven gave a half smile. “Yeah. Yeah, I trust her.”

Clarke seemed to accept that answer and they both went to the fire to join everyone.  


* * *

Luckily the ride to the village wasn’t too long. That didn’t stop it from being extremely uncomfortable though.

“Do either of you want to address the _very_ large elephant in the Rover?” Murphy asked through the tension.

“Shut up, Murphy.” Echo warned.

“I’ll take that as a no, then.” He said, raising his eyebrows dramatically.

Bellamy glanced nervously over at Echo, who kept her eyes straight forward, not willing to look at him.

“We’re getting close.” Echo said. “Stop here. I’ll walk through the woods and climb into the trees so I can see everything.”

Bellamy let it roll to a stop and she got out without another word.

“You may wanna address that before she kills someone you don’t want her to.” Murphy grunted, crawling into the front. “Or before she kills _you_.”

“You seriously need to shut up.” Bellamy growled.

“I’m just saying, Bell.” Murphy continued. “We only know the Echo from the ring. And this Echo? Grounder Echo, is someone completely different. And I know that you’re not intentionally hurting her, but she may not see it that way.”

Bellamy worked his jaw. “Echo and I-“ he sighed. “We were never, _fuck_ , I don’t know, Murphy. I-“

“Used her?” Murphy offered without any judgement.

“I didn’t...” he was going to say he didn’t use her, but he absolutely did. “I didn’t mean to.”

“I know you didn’t.” Murphy said. “You did what you had to do to survive.” He shrugged.

If only it were that simple to explain to Echo.

“I care about her. I do. Just...”

“Just not the way you care about Clarke.” Murphy finished for him.

Bellamy worked his jaw again, wondering when Murphy had gotten so good at finishing his sentences and nodded. “Yeah.”

“Just... take care of it soon, huh?” Murphy suggested.

“Yeah. I will.” Bellamy pressed out.

They pulled up to the village to find the people already waiting for them. 

“I take it since you didn’t come out guns blazing that your girlfriend is still alive.” Diyoza said as they got out of the Rover.

“Our terms of the deal are simple.” Bellamy said ignoring her comment and getting straight to business. “We share the village, help you learn to farm and build. Our doctors help you. And you help us get our people out from the bunker. None of your men touch any of my people, ever. Or the deal’s off.”

“Simple terms, indeed.” Diyoza smirked. “And how do you know your people in the bunker will respect this deal?”

“They will.” He said simply.

“How many of them are down there?” She asked.

“1,200. Give or take.” Bellamy shrugged.

“I want one of your doctors on full-time. They stay with us.”

“Not happening.” He said immediately.

“Bellamy.” Murphy warned.

“If we share the village, our doctor can stay close to your side to help, but they stay with us.” He countered.

Diyoza thought for a moment. “I need full use of one doctor, your _best_ doctor, during the day and you can have them back at nightfall.”

“They’ll have security with them.” Bellamy said.

“Deal.” Diyoza nodded. “So when do we get your people out of this bunker?”

“It’s a 150 mile trek across the desert from here. We’ll need time to prepare. We can leave tomorrow morning.”

“We’ll see you at dawn, then.” She said, ending the conversation.

“Well that went better than expected.” Murphy said when they shut the Rover doors.

They picked Echo back up a little ways down and continued on to the cave.

Echo still wasn’t speaking. Not that Bellamy blamed her. Not that he _wanted_ her to speak. It’s not like she’d have anything good to say. He wished they could just act like nothing had ever happened and move on. That wasn’t going to happen though.

They pulled up as close as they could to the cave entrance and Murphy all but jumped out of the back. “I’m gonna go let them all know we’re back.” Then he slammed the door, leaving Echo and Bellamy in silence.

* * *

_ * 1 year ago * _

They were supposed to go back to the ground today. It had been 5 years since Praimfaya and today was supposed to be the day.

It had also been 5 years since Clarke died. 5 years since Bellamy had let her go to that satellite and signed her death certificate by doing so.

That thought alone had pain clawing at his chest.

There was no way they were getting back to the ground today. Or anytime soon for that matter. Raven was working herself to death, Monty had all but given up and turned to Harper for comfort. Emori was helping Raven in any way she could, he had no idea where Echo was and Murphy was drinking himself into a stupor.

Murphy’s plan was Bellamy’s favorite plan at the moment.

He found himself in front of Clarke’s cell. He hadn’t been here in a little while. He had been trying to keep himself from it, but this was one of the days where he couldn’t help it. It still hurt, being inside of it. But it was where he felt closest to her, so sometimes he allowed himself that pain.

And it was _exactly_ the kind of pain he needed right now.

Everyone was too preoccupied with their own pain to notice his today and he was grateful for that. He wanted to be left alone.

Once he was inside, he sat down, pulling his knees up and leaning his head against the wall.

He was grateful for the silence. It felt like she was somehow amplified in it. Like when it was quiet, he could still hear her voice if he listened hard enough. It was like she was only thing that mattered here. _And_ _she was_.

“Fuck, I wish you were here.” He whispered to the walls. “You always knew what to do... what to say.”

He’d give anything to have her here with him. Even for just a moment.

“You could figure this out. I know you could... the heart of this operation isn’t doing us much good right now.”

He shook his head and let out a shaky breath. “Am I crazy?” He asked. “Because I feel crazy. I’m up here talking to you like you can hear me... maybe you can.” He closed his eyes. “I _hope_ you can. But maybe I’m just talking to the walls.”

“And you were right. Which,” he let out a small laugh despite himself. “I guess you always were, but... you’re the head... not me. I listened to my head like you told me and I got on the fucking ship that day, but... I left you and I hate myself for it, Clarke.”

He was crying now. Like he always did when he came here. “I’m just sorry if I let you down.” He rasped. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness though. I don’t deserve to feel better... God, I hate this.”

He heard the door creak and looked up to see Echo. “Care if I join you?” She asked.

“I’d really prefer if you didn’t.” He answered honestly, but she walked in and sat next to him anyway.

He sighed, kind of angry she ignored his request to be alone, and tried to wipe whatever tears he could.

“You’re hurting still.” She said simply.

“In case you didn’t know we were supposed to go back to the ground today. And that’s not happening. So, yeah. I’m a little upset.” He snapped.

“That’s not why you’re hurting.” She countered.

“Oh, so you’re an expert on what hurts me?” He asked, losing what little patience he had.

“I’m a spy. I read people.” She said unwavering. “Clarke died 5 years ago and now you can’t even do what she wanted you to do because you’re stuck up here.”

“Don’t talk about her.” He warned harshly through closed eyes.

“And you blame yourself for that.” Echo continued, not listening. “She wouldn’t want this for you though.”

“I said _don’t_!” His voice boomed. “You don’t know what she would want, Echo. You didn’t know her. _I_ knew her. I _needed_ her and I- I left her!”

“You saved yourself.” Echo defended.

“I should’ve saved _her_!” He stood up, frustrated. “I shouldn’t be here! _She_ should!”

“So she could be in pain instead of you?” Echo asked. “Is that really what you want?”

Bellamy felt fire running through him. It was like she was purposely pushing him to his breaking point.

“Stop talking!” He yelled.

“You loved her, Bellamy.” She said. “And you’re in pain. Let me help you.”

“You can’t.” He shook his head, angry that she thought she could help him. “Nobody can help me.”

“She died for you and you can’t live for her?” Echo egged him on.

_“Get out!”_ His voice was so loud he was positive the others heard it, even from the other side of the ring, but he didn’t care. He felt fire burning inside him from the words Echo was saying and he couldn’t hold his anger back. “Get out, or I swear to god, Echo!” It was an unfinished threat, but he didn’t need to finish it.

Echo held her chin high, staring him down before finally walking out of the cell. 

When she left he broke down, falling back to his knees, head in his hands and sobbing. He didn’t bother to look up when the door creaked again and before he knew it, Ravens arms were wrapping around him.

“Hey, Bellamy, breathe.” She soothed. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not.” He choked out. “It’s not okay.”

Raven held him tighter at that. He was right. It _wasn't_ okay. Nothing was.   


“You’re right.” She sniffed softly. “Just let it out.” She told him.

He grasped her arms and did just that, crying until his throat hurt. “I loved her, Raven.” He whispered roughly.

“I know.” She whispered. “I’m so sorry, Bellamy.”

He heard the tears in Raven’s voice too. She was the only person he’d ever said the words out loud to. But he _did_. He loved her and now he’d never get a chance to tell her. She was gone forever and that hurt him more than anything else ever had before.

Later that night, he’d drank himself into a blissfullly dull state. And when his bedroom door opened, he halfway expected it to be Murphy, there to give him some pep-talk, or to see if he was on the verge of another breakdown, since he’d taken to caring for Bellamy’s well-being for whatever reason.

Instead it was Echo. He almost told her to fuck off right away, but he was drunk and when she quickly and silently slipped into his bed, he just swallowed. He found himself closing his eyes, imagining that the hand running down his chest was Clarke’s. He felt himself go hard immediately and he cursed.

“Let me help you.” She whispered.

He moved quickly, flipping her over and grasping her neck. “Don’t say a fucking word.” He warned her. Because maybe he could pretend. She was taller than Clarke, a little slimmer, but he could pretend. If she didn’t talk.

She obeyed, not saying another word and placing a hard, bruising kiss to his mouth and rolling him back over.

When they were finished he felt dirty. Calmer, sure. Less stressed. But, dirty. Guilty. They’d used each other.

And maybe that was all they ever did.

* * *

_ * Present time * _

Bellamy sat tensely, looking out the front windshield and Echo mirrored his position.

“I’m sorry.” He said after a few awkward, silent moments.

“Do not apologize.” She said. “We served a purpose for each other. But my purpose for you is over now.”

“I wasn’t fair to you.” He pressed out, neither one of them willing to make eye contact. “I never was.”

“I accepted it, Bellamy.” She shook her head. “I knew what was happening and I let it. I pushed for this, pushed for you... I can’t be surprised now. I knew once you heard she was alive, that whatever it was we had... it was over.”

Bellamy didn’t say a word.

“I’ve always known you loved her, Bellamy. I can’t keep you from that. And I can’t change the way you feel.” She said, finally looking over at him. “You never loved me.”

He met her eyes and searched them for any anger. There wasn’t any. She just looked resigned.

“I’m sorry if I hurt you.” He said.

“Hurting is just a part of life.” She said simply. “I’ll be fine.”

“I know you will.” He agreed.

She gave him one last nod and got out of the Rover, leaving him to his thoughts.

Now between Eligius, and the bunker and all the planning, he still had to find a way to tell Clarke.

He hadn’t figured that one out yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are once again, amazing. Thank you all for being so incredibly patient and for all the support. I hope you enjoyed the last couple chapters and getting a little peak at what my version of what happened on the ring is.


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